Cupboardstuck
by SmogonSpiderDragon
Summary: On his seventh birthday, young Harry Potter is chased into the forest nearby his home. There he finds a box containing alien technology and a sinister warning from someone named 'tentacleTherapist'. Oh, and a sword. Don't forget the sword. HP AU, HS-style narration (Sort of).


**PROLOGUE**

A young boy is running through a forest. It just so happens that today, the 31st of July, 1987, is this young boy's birthday. Though it was seven years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will his name be?

 **Enter Name.**

 **SCARHEAD FREAK_**

Dude, no. Way too close to home.

 **Try Again.**

 **HARRY POTTER_**

There, much better.

 **Examine Forest.**

Your name is HARRY. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. You are currently in the FOREST near your home, hiding from your cousin, DUDLEY. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You like listening to MUSIC, though you can't do it often. You read many BOOKS, and particularly enjoy the genres of FANTASY and SCIENCE FICTION. You also like to DRAW. You prefer to be alone most of the time, especially now that DUDLEY has gained a passion for bullying you. In fact, he was the one who chased you here. You happen to bear a LIGHTNING-BOLT SCAR on your forehead, which you think is pretty cool. You received in the CAR CRASH which your parents died in.

What will you do?

 **Harry: Quickly retrieve arms from tree.**

You already _have_ ARMS, idiot.

 **Harry: Explore**

You look about you. There is a CLEARING nearby, but it is empty. The TREES here are VERY LARGE, and some are hollow. You have spent MANY DAYS in this forest, pretending to be a MIGHTY WIZARD and calling down FIERY WRATH on the heads of your EVIL STEPPARENTS, VERNON and PETUNIA…

Well technically they're just your AUNT and UNCLE, but they treat you like something worse than a SLIMY COCKROACH (are cockroaches slimy?) beneath their MALEVOLENT HEELS.

Anyway, you return to looking about. Suddenly, you spot a SUSPICIOUS GLINT in one of the TREE HOLLOWS!

 **Harry: Investigate**

You INVESTIGATE the source of the GLINT, and come across a MYSTERIOUS BOX in the tree! In the back of the HOLLOW, you see what appears to be a MIGHTY SWORD buried to the hilt in dirt.

 **Harry: Open box**

The BOX is locked with a STURDY PADLOCK. You have nowhere near enough MANGRIT to break it.

 **Take sword**

You grip the hilt of the SWORD. It comes free fairly easily, and you hold it in both hands. The CROSSPIECE is impressive, with each side appearing to be some kind of IVORY SPIKE. The BLADE is short and unremarkable, wide and flat near the TIP, and narrowing near the HILT. You swing it around, and nearly cut off your HAND.

 **Harry: Break padlock**

You clumsily strike the PADLOCK with the MIGHTY SWORD. To your considerable SURPRISE, the blade, sharper than you had expected, cuts cleanly through the LOCK.

 **Harry: Open box**

Within is quite the MISCELLANEUM. You see a heap of ODDLY SHAPED CARDS, a GREY BLOCK, some COOL SHADES, and a… BUCKET?

 **Examine bucket**

It is a perfectly ordinary, metal BUCKET. Inside is a SCRAP OF PAPER upon which is scrawled, in ODD PURPLE LIQUID: ;o)

 **Harry: Examine shades**

They are simple black SUNGLASSES, but are undeniably awesome. You put them on, and are startled when they light up with a symbol much resembling an APPLE. After a few moments, it disappears, revealing what you recognise as a COMPUTER SCREEN, albeit with extroadinary GRAPHICS. The BACKGROUND IMAGE is blue, and covered with SWIRLING LINES you fail to recognise. The only APPLICATION that appears to be INSTALLED is a program called 'PESTERCHUM' – whatever that means.

 **Open Pesterchum**

You wonder if you can just…

Just sort of reach over…

And…

Touching the SHADES does nothing but blur the SCREEN.

 **Harry: Say "Open Pesterchum"**

To your delight, the icon flickers then opens a new WINDOW. You are suddenly very grateful to DUDLEY for providing you with several 'lessons' in COMPUTING while you watched him wistfully from around CORNERS.

Actually, scratch that. You're not grateful to that UGLY PIG at all.

The WINDOW displays "Pesterchum 7.0" for a moment, then flashes to a NEW SCREEN:

|===LOGIN===|

CHUMHANDLE: [_]

PASSWORD: [_]

Or, Sign Up

Curious, you say 'Sign up!'

It presents you with another NEW SCREEN:

|===SIGNUP===|

Name: [_]

NEW PASSWORD: [_]

REPEAT PASSWORD: [_]

Or, Login

After a bit of trial and error you enter 'HARRY POTTER' with the PASSWORD 'diedursleydie'.

You suspect this might be a bit MORBID, but they totally deserve it.

Set CHUMHANDLE: [_|_]

…wut?

 **Harry: Set Chumhandle**

What's a CHUMHANDLE, anyway?

 **Harry: Find out what a Chumhandle is.**

You read through the DROP-DOWN MENU at the top of the window. You follow the 'Getting Started' option, and discover that a CHUMHANDLE is what OTHER USERS of PESTERCHUM will see if they contact you. Also, PESTERCHUM was apparently a 'chat client' which you guess is like those eMail programs your COUSIN uses to communicate with his 'FRIENDS'.

 **Harry: Create Chumhandle**

You choose the HANDLE 'serpentineWarlock'. You like SNAKES. Almost as much as you like WARLOCKS. You draw them to frighten your fat COUSIN DUDLEY.

 **Harry: Add a friend!**

You have no FRIENDS. Looks like you'll have to come back to this later.

But for now, what will you do?

 **Harry: Hiss like a snake and eat the sword**

NO.

 **Harry: Examine 'block'**

It is a thick, lightweight BAR OF METAL about the length of your scarecrow-thin seven-year-old FOREARMS. You touch it, and it vanishes into THIN AIR!

Awesome. It's almost like… MAGIC.

 **Pick up cards.**

You try to do so, but they too disappear. However, when you raise your hand, they shimmer back into existence – at your elbow! They are sitting on the BAR from earlier, a slightly darker GREY. The CARDS are all EMPTY, except for the very last in line, which has a PICTURE of another, BLUE CARD. This one says: ARRAY in bold across the front.

 **Harry: Apply Fetch Modus.**

You do not know what a FETCH MODUS is! However, you tap the last CARD in your… DECK (?), and suddenly the whole CONTRAPTION flashes BLUE!

 **Harry: Pick up shades**

You touch the SHADES, and they too vanish. But this time, they appear on the front of one of the CARDS! The CARD now reads: 'iShades'

(You suppose that must be their proper name).

You tap on the CARD, and are relieved to find that the iShades reappear in your GRASP. It would be bad if you LOST those. You don't know how you know that. You just know that you know.

Suddenly, the iShades flash, the APPLE ICON briefly changing to an ODD TENTACLED CREATURE. You wonder what it could possibly be.

 **Harry: Answer Rose.**

You do not know ANYONE called Rose!

You look into the iShades. PESTERCHUM is flashing. You open it to find someone PESTERING you. Perhaps it is someone welcoming you to the program?

[OPEN PESTERLOG]

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering serpentineWarlock [SW] at 9:06 –

TT: Greetings. If you are reading this: be aware, this is merely a program.

TT: This program's purpose is to send you a warning.

TT: You are in terrible danger.

You guess not. This is going to be a _long_ day.


End file.
